There is too much discolored matter bubbling in my skull.

I feel as if it will rise too quickly and pour out of my ears due to a lack of room.

5 Things You Can Grab From Where You're Sitting
1. blankets
2. phone charger
3. glass of water
4. body pillow
5. headphones

5 Things That Terrify You
1. serial killers
2. guns
3. being alone
4. failing
5. heights

Shuffle: What Are the First 5 Songs to Come Up?
1. "I'm Lost Without You," Blink-182
2. "Lightning Strikes the Postman," Flaming Lips
3. "Amsterdam," Coldplay
4. "Budos Rising," The Budos Band
5. "Past in Present," Feist

5 Things to Put in a Trap if You Wanted to Catch Yourself
1. a cat
2. a cup of black, Verona coffee
3. Edward Norton
4. a boston creme pie
5. pretty ballet flats

Last Things You Did: Ate/Drank/Listened To/Watched/Bought
1. an Oreo
2. h2o
3. "Falling or Flying," Grace Potter & The Nocturnals
4. an episode of "Modern Family"
5. McDonald's :(

Favorite Movies of All Time
1. Across the Universe
2. V for Vendetta
3. Superbad
4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
5. Almost Famous

Best TV Shows
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
3. Family Guy
4. Criminal Minds
5. The Daily Show

What You're Wearing Right Now
1. blue sweatpants from Old Navy
2. a St. Patty's day sock and a red sock with black dots
3. crew hoodie from senior year
4. my "news junkie" t-shirt
5. underclothes

Random Things Starting With the Same Letter as Your Name
1. Sharks
2. Soil
3. Slippers
4. Snow
5. Sardines

Objects in Your Room You'd Use to Defend Yourself
1. My Cath Fran book (it's a beast)
2. scissors
3. lamp
4. fan
5. glass cups

5 Things You're Addicted To
1. coffee
2. music
3. words
4. MOUNTAIN DEW
5. makeup

5 Things You Want Right Now
1. Nate
2. 70-degree weather
3. a fireplace
4. to lose 20 lbs
5. an A in Spanish

5 Things That Remind You of Your Best/Closest Friend
1. food
2. bona's
3. Great Danes
4. Big D
5. Timmy's

5 Things You Love That Everyone Else Seems To Hate
1. solitude
2. being cold (so I can crawl under blankets)
3. A&E (the channel)
4. wearing my retainer at night
5. the smell of gasoline/skunks

5 Things You Hate That Everyone Else Seems To Love
1. movies about sports/animals
2. uggs
3. liquor (beer is better)
4. chicken pot pie
5. The Peanuts (the cartoon)

Tonight I watched "Anastasia" as I worked on my Comparative Politics paper. It was beyond glorious, even though my throat is a bit sore from singing along. I miss Disney movies. Once I return to gray Liverpool for winter break, "Mulan" is next on my list.

I'm half-way through the third book I picked up this break. I have a impressively gargantuan mountain of work looming above me, but I am enjoying myself too much to put down my book and return to my responsibilities. I will regret my procrastination immediately Sunday, but for now, it's worth it.

My bookcase is winking at me, encouraging me to stick my nose back into my book. What can I say? I'm a sucker for words.

Break has been lovely so far. I read a book last night, and am half-way through another I started Today. I romped around this ridiculously gray town with Nate, and am feeling quite relaxed.

Tomorrow, I have a date with a pen and paper, and livejournal. I have so much to write about, and have neglected myself the refreshing therapy that accompanies writing.

Are we falling or flying?

Are we living?

Are we dying?

Helen of Troy Does Countertop Dancing
By Margaret Atwood

The world is full of women
who'd tell me I should be ashamed of myself
if they had the chance. Quit dancing.
Get some self-respect
and a day job.
Right. And minimum wage,
and varicose veins, just standing
in one place for eight hours
behind a glass counter
bundled up to the neck, instead of
naked as a meat sandwich.
Selling gloves, or something.
Instead of what I do sell.
You have to have talent
to peddle a thing so nebulous
and without material form.
Exploited, they'd say. Yes, any way
you cut it, but I've a choice
of how, and I'll take the money.

I do give value.
Like preachers, I sell vision,
like perfume ads, desire
or its facsimile. Like jokes
or war, it's all in the timing.
I sell men back their worse suspicions:
that everything's for sale,
and piecemeal. They gaze at me and see
a chain-saw murder just before it happens,
when thigh, ass, inkblot, crevice, tit, and nipple
are still connected.
Such hatred leaps in them,
my beery worshippers! That, or a bleary
hopeless love. Seeing the rows of heads
and upturned eyes, imploring
but ready to snap at my ankles,
I understand floods and earthquakes, and the urge
to step on ants. I keep the beat,
and dance for them because
they can't. The music smells like foxes,
crisp as heated metal
searing the nostrils
or humid as August, hazy and languorous
as a looted city the day after,
when all the rape's been done
already, and the killing,
and the survivors wander around
looking for garbage
to eat, and there's only a bleak exhaustion.
Speaking of which, it's the smiling
tires me out the most.
This, and the pretence
that I can't hear them.
And I can't, because I'm after all
a foreigner to them.
The speech here is all warty gutturals,
obvious as a slab of ham,
but I come from the province of the gods
where meanings are lilting and oblique.
I don't let on to everyone,
but lean close, and I'll whisper:
My mother was raped by a holy swan.
You believe that? You can take me out to dinner.
That's what we tell all the husbands.
There sure are a lot of dangerous birds around.

Not that anyone here
but you would understand.
The rest of them would like to watch me
and feel nothing. Reduce me to components
as in a clock factory or abattoir.
Crush out the mystery.
Wall me up alive
in my own body.
They'd like to see through me,
but nothing is more opaque
than absolute transparency.
Look--my feet don't hit the marble!
Like breath or a balloon, I'm rising,
I hover six inches in the air
in my blazing swan-egg of light.
You think I'm not a goddess?
Try me.
This is a torch song.
Touch me and you'll burn.

"Heartstopper"
By Emiliana Torrini


You said I began
this messy state of love affairs,
and I drink too much and smoke too fast,
that this city has cleared my innocence.

Coffee is pouring out my ears,
it's the only thing they have in here,
and my heart stops beating.

And when it stops, it stops,
my heart stopped beating.
And when it stops, it stops,
my heart stopped beating.

Number three still on my plate.
I heard the trains are running late.
I laugh out loud,
my life's a mess.
I have gone too far
in my lifelessness.

Another coffee, it's on the house.
The poor girl look is on the owner's spouse,
and my heart stopped beating.

And when it stops, it stops,
my heart stopped beating.
And when it stops, it stops,
my heart stopped beating.

Outside your house
to make a scene
(in my head you grabbed me passionately).
But the lights are out
and in an hour I walked on home
in the pouring shower.
Lost my keys in front of me.
My neighbor smiles, he's handing me
the blackest coffee you will ever see,

And my hearts stopped beating--

And when it stops, it stops,
my heart stopped beating.
And when it stops, it stops,
my heart stopped beating.

I want to go home.

STEP ONE:
Spell your name with songs.

Second Intermission
Armchair Apocryphists
Middleman

STEP TWO:
– Name: Samantha House
– Birth date: August 29
– Nickname: Um, Sam? I'm boring.
– Eye Color: brown
– Hair Color: darkish brown hair
– Zodiac Sign: virgo

STEP THREE:
–The shoes you wore today: bright red flat
– Your weakness(es): books
– Your fear(s): being alone
– Your perfect pizza: TONY'S!!!

STEP FOUR:
– Your best physical feature: teeth
– Your bedtime? 3:30 a.m.
– Most missed memory: crew

STEP FIVE:
This or That…
– Pepsi or Coke? Coke
– McDonald’s or Burger King: Wendy's!
– Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: neither
– Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate
– Cappuccino or coffee: coffee

STEP SIX:
Do you…
– Curse: yes
– Sing: horribly, at every possible opportunity
– Dance: yeah, I pretty much invented dance
– Take a shower everyday: no :(
– Have a crush: Yessir.
– Do you think you’ve been in love?: I am in love.
– Want to go to college: most of the time. but I'm here anyways.
– Like(d) high school: nope. especially not in retrospect.
– Want to get married: probably.
– Get motion sickness: no
– Think you’re attractive: no
– Think you’re a health freak: no. I adore fat foods and have perfected the art of laziness.
– Get along with your parents: sometimes

STEP SEVEN:
In the past month…
– Gone to the mall: the OLEAN mall!
– Eaten an entire box of Oreos: nope
– Eaten Sushi: no
– Been on stage: I will be Sunday
– Gone skating: nope
– Made homemade cookies: no
– Gone Skinny dipping: no
– Stolen anything: no!

STEP EIGHT:
Ever…
– Played a game that required removal of clothing: no
– If so, was it mixed company: SHUT UP
- Flashed anyone: hmm...
– Been beaten up: nope
– Shoplifted: yes, but nothing big. and I was young :(

STEP NINE:
– Age you hope to be married: whenever (if ever) it feels right
– Numbers of Children: more than one, please
– Describe your Dream Wedding: cheap, so I can go on an awesome honeymoon.

STEP TEN:
In a boyfriend/girlfriend...
– Best eye color?: warm
– Best hair color?: curly
– Short hair or long hair?: it changes
– Height: taller than me

STEP ELEVEN:
– Number of CDs that I own: No clue. A lot.
– Number of tattoos: None
– Number of piercings: 5

Personal Quiz
Who were you with yesterday? your mom
What woke you up this morning? it was 11:15 :(
Where are you? on the comfy blue chair
Is tomorrow going to be a good day? I really hope so.
Do you like anybody? Yes

THE PAST
Ever thrown up in public? once
Passed out because of alcohol? yes
What’s on your mind RIGHT NOW? too much

THE FUTURE
What kind of home would you like? one with a fireplace and big windows
What do you want to be when you grow up? teacher then principal
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? writing

IN GENERAL
Do you like candy necklaces? yes
When was the last time you fell over or ran into something? I fell up some stairs yesterday
Do you still go trick or treating? I wish
What was the last thing you ate? french fries
Are you a fast typer? yes (and very loud)
Whats your favorite type of soda? Mountain Dew Dew Dew
Have you ever moved? twice
Have you ever won an award? yes
Are you listening to music right now? no
How long ’till your birthday? about 9 months
When were you the saddest in your whole life? Stupid question. How can I possibly gage that?
What time is it? 6:50
Do you use eBay to buy or sell? I tried once, but no.
Who makes you mad: ignorance, blatant disregard for people's feelings, apathy.
Have you ever heard a song written about you? yes
Something you want to happen in 2009? Really? Of course.
Summer 2009? felt short
Honestly, do you miss 2008? not one bit

HONESTY SECTION
1. Honestly, what color is your underwear? blue with with white anchors
2. Honestly, whats on your mind? currently, money.
3. Honestly, what are you doing right now? procrastinating before class
6. Honestly, have you done something bad today? yes. I unintentionally slept through a class.
8. Honestly, who is the last person you talked to on the phone? Nate
9. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? probably
10. Honestly, what makes you mad most of the time? you just asked this
11. Honestly, do you bite your nails? no
12. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder? no
13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very moment? very much
14. Honestly, are you keeping a big secret now? no
15. Honestly, do you have a friend you don’t actually like? no, because that wouldn't be a friend.
17. Honestly, are you in denial? not that I know of.
18. Honestly, do you get up in the middle of the night? no, because I'm always awake at night
19. Honestly, do you like anyone? REPETITIVE
20. Honestly, does anyone like you? yes!

ANGER SECTION

1. What do you do when you’re mad? clean
2. What’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad? said things I didn't mean
3. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad? madre
4. Do you swear when you’re mad? yes

HAPPY SECTION
1. Are you usually a happy person? no, but I'm not miserable.
2. What makes you the happiest? depends
4. Do you believe in yourself? not really, with good reason.
5. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you get happy? maybe

Listen to Andrew Bird's album, "Noble Beasts". His music makes muses happy.

(And helps you procrastinate writing Cath Fran papers by providing you with great music to groove to.)

“A Sad Child”
Margaret Atwood

You’re sad because you’re sad.
It’s psychic. It’s the age. It’s chemical.
Go see a shrink or take a pill,
or hug your sadness like an eyeless doll
you need to sleep.

Well, all children are sad
but some get over it.
Count your blessing. Better than that,
buy a hat. Buy a coat or pet.
Take up dancing to forget.

Forget what?
Your sadness, your shadow,
whatever it was that was done to you
the day of the lawn party
when you came inside flushed with the sun,
your mouth sulky with sugar,
in your new dress with the ribbon
and the ice-cream smear,
and said to yourself in the bathroom,
I am not the favourite child.

My darling, when it comes
right down to it
and the light fails and the fog rolls in
and you’re trapped in your overturned body
under a blanket or burning car,

and the red flame is seeping out of you
and igniting the tarmac beside your head
or else the floor, or else the pillow,
none of us is;
or else we all are.

The sky pays homage

gossamer veiled clouds
visit Green Cemetery
to tickle the dead.

tense gurgle growl groan rumble itch scratch swallow mope surprised fall up up up down rip chew explode entice frustrated irate swell deflate wrinkle fold evaporate

gone.

Two mass shootings, two days in a row.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.

devil wears superior

chameleon skies
scrutinize clouds, critics of
cellophane faces.

"See Fernando"
By Jenny Lewis

I wear a ponytail like a waterfall
Loudspeaker or land slide
I have a room key and a Johnny
A good buzz, feeling all right
Pitch a tent, pop a top
Forget about what you ain't got
See the sites, sleep until night
Stamp your feet, turn out the lights

If you want to go where they chain up the sun
See Fernando, see Fernando
He'll buy a bottle of suds for you and everyone
See Fernando, see Fernando

If you're high strung or stressed out
Down in the dumps, been turned out
Stabilized, motorized, insecure or fableized
Curious or furious, picked apart like Prometheus
Legalized, penalized, simplify, dry out your eyes

If you want to go where they chain up the sun
See Fernando, see Fernando
He'll buy a bottle of suds for you and everyone
See Fernando, see Fernando

You've been Jezebeled, back from hell
Cooling off, feeling well
Tired of talking, talked out
Ticked off or toughed up
Too talled or backed up
Haven't made your mind up
tbd'd or tb'd
Tired of falling to your knees

If you want to go where they chain up the sun
See Fernando, see Fernando
He'll buy a bottle of suds for you and everyone
See Fernando, see Fernando

And if you want to go where they chain up the sun
See Fernando, see Fernando
He'll buy a bottle of suds for you and everyone
See Fernando, see Fernando

Monday, Wednesday, Friday

CLAR 109-03: Literature and Art (Art) 1:30-2:20

Wednesday

HIST 429-01: 20th Century American Films

Tuesday, Thursday

CLAR 105-01: Social World (Psychology) 10:00-11:15
SPAN 202-10: Intermediate Spanish 11:30-12:45
JMC 202-01: Writing & Reporting II 2:30-3:45
JMC 370-01: Web Communications 1:00-2:15

Deflate

Unlace your running
shoes (escape is futile when
feet become cement)

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind happiness
not always being
so very much fun
if you don't mind a touch of hell
now and then
just when everything is fine
because even in heaven
they don't sing
all the time

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind some people dying
all the time
or maybe only starving
some of the time
which isn't half bad
if it isn't you

Oh the world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't much mind
a few dead minds
in the higher places
or a bomb or two
now and then
in your upturned faces
or such other improprieties
as our Name Brand society
is prey to
with its men of distinction
and its men of extinction
and its priests
and other patrolmen

and its various segregations
and congressional investigations
and other constipations
that our fool flesh
is heir to

Yes the world is the best place of all
for a lot of such things as
making the fun scene
and making the love scene
and making the sad scene
and singing low songs and having inspirations
and walking around
looking at everything
and smelling flowers
and goosing statues
and even thinking
and kissing people and
making babies and wearing pants
and waving hats and
dancing
and going swimming in rivers
on picnics
in the middle of the summer
and just generally
'living it up'
Yes
but then right in the middle of it
comes the smiling

mortician